Hippolyta

“For so much of my life, I’ve been shrinking. When I was a kid I thought I was big enough to name anything in this world…By the time I met you I’d already gotten so small. And I thought you knew how big I wanted to be. I thought you saw me.”  –Hippolyta Freeman, Lovecraft Country, S. 1 Ep. 7 – I Am

First, if you have not watched Lovecraft Country you are missing out. I think this is one of the first show that has caused me to think about my place and role in this world. And I don’t say that lightly.

Set in 1954/1955 the themes of racism and misogyny drive the story. Events set only 14 years before my birth. It still astounds me to this day, 65 years later, these issues are still prevalent in our society.

However, this post is going to have a smaller focus. It’s about the quote above and the impact it had on me when I heard the words uttered by Hippolyta Freeman. 

A large part of the episode is devoted to Hippolyta Freeman and a journey that I wish I could physically take myself. I know this sounds vague, it’s by design.  I don’t want to give away spoilers.  I also don’t know if I could adequately put into words how her adventure shaped her. I recommend watching this episode in particular to understand how powerful the writing is in it. The quote is so profound to me, that I was compelled to write this post and to also add it to my list of quotes.

In my first post, I discussed how my life changed irrevocably in 2018.  Since then, I have been working with my amazing therapist to recover what I have lost of myself as a result of the end of a 22-year marriage.  I have been struggling to find my individuality. So, when I watched this episode, it struck a chord with me. And when Hippolyta spoke of shrinking to fit into the world’s view of how she should be, I realized that she was speaking my truth. I had allowed myself to shrink into the image that my ex-husband wanted and I forgot about myself and my own dreams. At first, I thought he saw who I really was. But as time went on, his career and dreams grew and changed him, changed us. I slowly began to shrink into a role I hadn’t expected. I think it happens to a lot of us, the almost invisible process of bending to the will of a person, a group or a community to fit in. To not start a fight or become a target. Go along to get along. My world had become small. And now I need to find ways to expand my it, through travel and discovery. To never bend away from the wind but stand strong against it. To become me again. 

I hope to encourage you to do the same. 

Note: When I watched this episode, one thought that kept running through my head was that a woman had to have written this. So, I was not surprised to learn I was correct. Kudos to Misha Green, show creator and writer for an amazing episode. And to Matt Ruff, author of the novel Lovecraft Country, for the source material.