I Finally Found the Top of My Desk!

Today I procrastinated on this blog by cleaning my desk. However, in my defense, while I may work in organized chaos, my desk was just CHAOS. And it was driving me to distraction (not that it takes much – 🐿 😆). I sometimes wonder if I developed a version of ADD as an adult or if 16 years of living with a loose schedule has made it hard for me to focus on tasks for too long. Inquiring minds want to know…

On another note, thank you for all of your kind words and support of my blog freak out. That one shook me more than usual and on the following Thursday my therapist insisted on processing it and getting to the source of it. We determined that some of the cause had to do with imposter theory – my brain telling me that I have no skills, abilities, accomplishments. The rational side of me knows that’s not the case, but it’s easy for those thoughts to overwhelm me when I start to think about starting my business combined with the fact that I feel like I’ve used my brain in the last 16 years (I actually think it may have atrophied 😳😁). 

I also think that it hit me that I’m truly doing this on my own and I haven’t been this independent since 1993 (you can do the math, it’ll just depress me if I do it 🤪) and that muscle got one hell of a Charlie horse on Monday. I’ve never had to do so much decision making by myself and I got exhausted by it. Hell, I’m still recovering. I think that’s why I was ready to burn all of my stuff before and after the move just to simplify something in my life. My ex was always about more/better, and I didn’t realize how caught up I became in his need for stuff that I forgot I like living a less complicated existence (well except for Christmas decorations and my books – I’m a collector through and through on those things). For example, my ex had a waterline put in for a Keurig coffee machine that is usually found in an office setting – it stayed at the old house. I, on the other had am doing just fine with the 5-cup filtered coffee maker that my folks bought me as a housewarming gift for $10 bucks. It’s perfect for my needs because I only drink one cup a day. When I told my parents, who were willing to buy me a more expensive machine, that I’m simple in my tastes I’d realized that I meant it, I just forgotten along the way 😊.

Now the next time I get ready to move, I’m going to fake my death in a fire and leave everything to my alter ego 🤣🤣🤣. In reality, I plan to have a big estate sale to get rid of a lot of my possessions and find a small quiet place on the beaches of Costa Rica. Just me and my books. And, if I can convince them to join me, my two best childhood friends. However, we have to work around the husband issue 🙄😆.

Sometimes, my brain takes stock of the situation and a massive anxiety attack is a result of that action. But I am going to work on what my awesome therapist suggested and give myself grace through this current transition (hell I’ve only been in the house 3 weeks). I’ll find my footing soon enough.

Note: I will be making changes in the near future (I hope) and would like CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and thoughts on what you like most that may help guide the update. Thank you in advance.