When I was going through my divorce, I had a lot of support. I also had a lot of people telling me what I needed to demand from my ex. I know it came from a place of love and concern, but some people (particularly my divorced friends) were pushing me to ask for things that I didn’t feel comfortable with – the “take him to the cleaners” mindset.
Now at the time I didn’t know about the mistress wife and my lawyer suggested hiring a P.I., probably something I should have considered. And it may have changed a few things in the divorce decree (I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to let him store his shit at the house for 6 months had I known he was house hunting with her 😡) but ultimately, I had to focus on what felt right for me. I may have been angry about the situation, but I couldn’t be vindictive because that is not who I am, and I had to be true to my own nature.
I’m not going to say it wasn’t a struggle for me to determine what was I thought was fair during the negotiations. So, I “phoned a friend” during the process – my brother-in-law Doug. He was the best neutral third-party person I could think to call. Even though he was totally supportive of me during the divorce, he was also the least invested emotionally out of all my family (and friends really) and could provide unbiased guidance and a calming presence. It was the right call and it helped me make the decisions that were right for me.
I know some of my friends and family struggled to understand why I was so reasonable about the settlement offer. Primarily because it was a mostly fair offer. I could have asked for longer health insurance coverage or maybe another of year alimony (which had I known I was going to be single longer than I thought, I might have 😆) but for the sake of my mental health, it wasn’t worth fighting over in the long run.
The point of today’s story? All divorces are different. And sometimes well-intentioned friends, family, or even your lawyer, try to nudge you in directions you may not be comfortable with. You should let your own inner voice dictate how you need to handle it. I would just like to advocate for reason over vindictiveness as it’s better for your inner peace in the long run 😊.
The other thing I learned from this process is to be mindful of myself when I think I know what’s right for someone else and try to tell them what to do (my sisters will readily agree with this 😜). It’s a bad habit I am working to overcome and now I try to make suggestions or recommendations that may provide solutions. And you will see that in posts to come.
Speaking of recommendations, I do have one to share. If you are dealing with any kind of partnership split (personal or professional) consider finding at least one person that can be a voice of reason for you and can provide emotionless guidance during the formal part of separation so that you can stay grounded. And maybe not your lawyer – they like to win, and that’s good, but they may not be the voice of reason you need at tense moments in the negotiations. It was a role my brother-in-law gratuitously stepped into, and I will always be grateful for that.
My Lemons My Lemonade 