I have been having a little bit of an existential crisis lately. Questions like “what am I doing with my life?”, “what is my passion?”, “how do I make an impact on this world?” “why the hell can’t I eat without something ending up on my shirt?” and most importantly “why in the world is there never any bread at the grocery store?” Wait, that last one is a grocery issue – and a real annoyance (it always looks like people are preparing for the zombie apocalypse in that isle 🤪).
In an effort to ground myself I did some free flow writing and came up with almost a page and half paragraph that veered in many directions (not suitable for printing – random thoughts can still hurt people…) and it helped some, so I think it’s something I should do on the regular. I chose to type the free flow because my handwriting has gotten so bad, I am constantly rewriting words and phrases which stems the flow of thought. I also forced myself to focus on the keyboard as much as possible and I allowed myself to fix words if I knew immediately that I had made a mistake. No going back three or four sentences to fix errors (and there were a fair amount 😆) and it was really hard for me to do that. But it was good to get out that which resides in my head. I think it also helped clear out the cobwebs that have taken up residence in my head.
In the meantime, I discovered a book that may help get my motivation going. It’s called Fail Proof: Become the Unstoppable You by Alex Weber (due out on Oct. 5 for those interested). Now normally this is not something I would read, like ever. But I heard him on one of my favorite Sirius shows and, despite his perky energy (I don’t do well with perky 🤷🏼♀️) I really resonated with what he was saying. He said that although he comes off really upbeat, he has dark days, and that little negative voice sometimes gets the better of him. And I really relate to that!
Listening to Alex speak also made me realize that since my depressive episode (that lasted about 18 months due to lack of understanding) I will not be the same person I was before. And that I need to stop trying to be that person, and work within my new reality. A reality that includes dark days and the watching for signs of another long-term depression. If I can start to accept these concepts maybe I can combat the bad days better. And maybe my existential crisis will start to resolve itself 😊.
For those thinking similar thoughts to these, I see you, I’m here for you and I support your journey.
Hugs for those who need it today 🥰.
My Lemons My Lemonade 