Every once in a while, I’ve got to be a little serious and touch upon topics that I can’t be the only one struggling with. Today is one of those posts, but I will try to find some levity in it 😊.
About a month ago, I went to an author reading. While most of it wasn’t my cup of tea, one thing the author brought up that has caused a lot of self-reflection is the concept of forgiveness being for you not for the person you forgive. After circling back around to this topic with my friend Robb (and after a healthy debate) I don’t know if I can fully accept this premise, now or ever.
You see for me forgiveness has always been linked to someone making amends/apologizing for the way they treated you and (hopefully) never doing it again. And I have never been asked for forgiveness by my ex. Now I’m being told that not forgiving my ex-husband and holding on to the anger doesn’t affect him – it’s just detrimental to me (not entirely untrue). But my argument is that my forgiveness doesn’t affect him either and it doesn’t magically make the anger. I can say I forgive him, but it just rings hollow. Partially because to give this blanket forgiveness for a multitude of bad behaviors over the last few years of our marriage doesn’t work for me.
Am I forgiving him for the cheating? The gaslighting? The constant choices/decisions that ignored my feelings/needs and factored into my depression? How about the fact that when I was depressed (or in his words – off 🙄), he didn’t see the need to find/get me help or even talk to my family about his supposed concerns? Or how about using his OCD as a reason to treat me poorly at times? Then there are the parting insults he hurled at me on his way out the door to his mistress. And that’s just off the top of my head.
That is a lot for one word to cover in my opinion 🤷🏼♀️.
You see for me it’s not about saying “I forgive him” as it is about working through the different levels of anger. Making that pronouncement does nothing for me (trust me, I’ve tried it 😆). Instead, I choose to focus on letting go of the anger for each behavior to find my peace. That is what moves me to a more harmonious state.
And I know it may not sound like it, but I am (mostly 😁) in a better place with a lot on the list. The anger flares up from time to time (like the 23andMe bs that gave him control over my profile) but this is a grieving process and when you’re with someone for over 25 years the grieving may take longer for some – like me 😊.
Maybe it’s just semantics 🤷🏼♀️, but it makes sense to my way of thinking.
So if someone says the can’t forgive the offending person, give them a little grace because that specific term may not work for them. Let them find their own words on their path toward peace. 🕊
Note: Just writing this piece allowed some of the leftover anger to flow out of me. Interesting 🤫…
My Lemons My Lemonade 