Okay My Lovelies, I am going to ask for some leniency from you for the next few weeks. My mental health and I are having a problem with each other that is taking longer than I expected to resolve ☹️, so my blogging may be a little more sporadic.
I struggle to write when my brain is out of whack, and it has been that way for a few weeks now. I realize that Reese’s death hit me harder than I thought. Not just because of the grieving – she’s is the fourth dog I’ve had to say goodbye to – but it brought out some deeper issues that have caused me to shut down a bit.
You see, a long time ago I was maneuvered into this position of caretaker of my household, so much so that everyone else’s needs, and issues trumped mine. I have forgotten what it’s like to have my own needs let alone how to focus on them. I am this horse, who has been raised in a stall. And when the door is left open I’m afraid of what’s outside, so I stay where it feels safe. And I struggle with changing that dynamic.
What do I do now that I am not taking care of someone else for the first time in almost 30 years? And how do I break from a dynamic that’s been around for so long? I constantly feel as if I am forgetting something important. Also, the last vestiges of my old life were taken the day Reese left me and I’m still trying to find my way in this new one.
The amount of loss/change over the last four years has been a lot. Summer, 2018 – my husband leaves and takes one of our two dogs (and didn’t care which one 🙄), Spring 2019 – I rehome one of my horses out of SC because he was not faring well here, Fall/Winter 2020 – sell the home that I loved, Winter 2021 – while getting ready to put my current horse back into boarding (and miss seeing her everyday), I receive word that the horse I had rehomed the year before had passed (so I lost him twice in a way), Spring 2021 – move out of my beloved house and into the new one, Winter 2021 – Reese crosses the rainbow bridge. Somedays it’s a wonder that I get out of bed.
But I do and while I am struggling a bit right now, I promise that I am working through it all 😊.
I share this, not as an excuse for being absent or for sympathy, but to again focus on the importance of monitoring your mental health and asking for help when you need to. I still see my amazing therapist at least once a month to help me manage the ups and downs and to put things into perspective. I actually saw her yesterday and as good as the session was – it left me emotionally/mentally and physically drained 🥱 🛌.
So, I humbly ask you to please grant me some patience as I walk through the fire to get to the other side of this. I hope to be back to my witty self soon.
On a positive note, Fate has given me a pass these last couple of weeks 😮💨. We’ll see how long that last 😆.
Note: if you are looking for help with your mental health issues, please check out my resources page.
My Lemons My Lemonade 