Childless By Choice

Some days I just have to tackle certain issues. Luckily, it’s only about once a week, if that 😜.

A while back I did a fact post about myself and one fact I mentioned is that I am childless by choice. I also said that I would discuss more about in a later post. Well today is later, and I really want to talk about this topic. 

Let me dispel a few myths first. 

1. I don’t hate children. In fact, I love children – other people’s children 😁. 
2. That I am selfish – not so, I made a choice that works best for me.
3. “You’re so good with children, you would make a great mother.” No, that’s not how it works 🙄! 
4. And lastly (when I was much younger) “You’ll change your mind”. Obviously, I didn’t. And now I can’t (menopause 😉), not that I would.

Now a little deeper dive into each myth. I don’t know why people think that choosing not having children equates to “well you must not like them”? Is this some sort of shaming tactic to push people into a lifestyle they don’t want? I enjoy spending time with any child in my world. I have been the human jungle gym for many a child over the years as I let them abuse me mercilessly time and time again and I still come back for more.  I have spoiled my niece and nephews with love, affection, and occasional treats. Then I send them home having enjoyed my time with them with little need for discipline. I get to be the cool aunt, not the one who makes them eat their vegetables and tells them not to do this or that, while still respecting their parents’ rules (in case my sisters read this 😆😆). And I love that dynamic. It’s how I was built.

Deciding a long time ago that pushing a child out of my lady parts (being delicate for the men 😁) was not something I ever had a desire to do is not selfish. When you don’t feel it in your soul, when holding a baby doesn’t give you that “I want one of these” moments, then you know what you know, and you live accordingly. That is not selfish!

Also, being good with children does not mean I would make a great parent (if there is any scientific study out there that definitively proves that assertion, I would like to see it). I’m great with animals, doesn’t mean I’d be a great vet 🤷🏼‍♀️. The reality is I am not the most patient person, and I don’t care what anyone says, having a child does not teach you patience. I’ve had dogs for over 20 years, and they haven’t taught me better patience, why would having a child be any different? Again, when you know you know, and I know that I am not a person who wanted to have children.

The worst of the worst I endured (in my younger years) because of my decision were the people, especially women 🙄, who were just determined to convince me to have a baby.  Like it was my only reason for being. The stories about how wonderful giving birth is (LIE) and how fulfilled I will feel only pushed me further into my resolve. Only one older friend of mine had the decency to be honest about how awful childbirth is and how difficult raising children can be. She was one of few who supported my right to choose.

I know I am not the only woman who has fought (good lord I actually wrote fighted first 🤦‍♀️😜) against this belief system that a woman’s purpose in life is to bear children. People might not say it like that, but it’s definitely the undertone of many a conversation that has been had by women who choose not to have children and women who can’t. I heard it over and over, from friends to acquaintances to passing strangers. 

For those of you who chose to have children, imagine living in a society where that was the “atypical” choice and you had to constantly defend your decision and told that’s against the norm for your gender. I’m betting you wouldn’t like it any more than I liked people telling me I should/need to have children.

Can we just stop this ridiculous narrative along with the need to force someone to defend their situation? Especially for women who are unable to have children. Imagine how hurtful it is to listen to someone telling you that you should/need to bring a child into this world. Then feeling like you have to explain why you can’t. Defending myself was hard enough and my choice was deliberate. It has to be ten times worse for someone who can’t bear a child and wants to.

So, let’s get out of other women’s wombs and worry about our own damn selves (don’t get me started on some of these awful laws being put into place 😡). If someone tells you they don’t want children believe them. If they change their mind, they are allowed that right and keep your “I told you so” to yourself! 

Whatever the case, it’s no one’s f🤬🤬🤬ing business but the woman and her partner (if that’s the situation).

As always, feel free to chime in, comments are always open – just lead with kindness in mind.

Note: Throughout the piece I said that I didn’t want to have children, as in bear them. That doesn’t mean I would not take in my niece or nephews (two of which are adults now) if such a situation arose. I would do so willingly and without hesitation. They all have my heart, and I do almost anything for them, including raising them if needed.