My Lemons My Lemonade

I Finally Found the Top of My Desk!

Believe it or not, this is better 😁.
Yes that is my actual desk.

Today I procrastinated on this blog by cleaning my desk. However, in my defense, while I may work in organized chaos, my desk was just CHAOS. And it was driving me to distraction (not that it takes much – 🐿 😆). I sometimes wonder if I developed a version of ADD as an adult or if 16 years of living with a loose schedule has made it hard for me to focus on tasks for too long. Inquiring minds want to know…

On another note, thank you for all of your kind words and support of my blog freak out. That one shook me more than usual and on the following Thursday my therapist insisted on processing it and getting to the source of it. We determined that some of the cause had to do with imposter theory – my brain telling me that I have no skills, abilities, accomplishments. The rational side of me knows that’s not the case, but it’s easy for those thoughts to overwhelm me when I start to think about starting my business combined with the fact that I feel like I’ve used my brain in the last 16 years (I actually think it may have atrophied 😳😁).

I also think that it hit me that I’m truly doing this on my own and I haven’t been this independent since 1993 (you can do the math, it’ll just depress me if I do it 🤪) and that muscle got one hell of a Charlie horse on Monday. I’ve never had to do so much decision making by myself and I got exhausted by it. Hell, I’m still recovering. I think that’s why I was ready to burn all of my stuff before and after the move just to simplify something in my life. My ex was always about more/better, and I didn’t realize how caught up I became in his need for stuff that I forgot I like living a less complicated existence (well except for Christmas decorations and my books – I’m a collector through and through on those things). For example, my ex had a waterline put in for a Keurig coffee machine that is usually found in an office setting – it stayed at the old house. I, on the other had am doing just fine with the 5-cup filtered coffee maker that my folks bought me as a housewarming gift for $10 bucks. It’s perfect for my needs because I only drink one cup a day. When I told my parents, who were willing to buy me a more expensive machine, that I’m simple in my tastes I’d realized that I meant it, I just forgotten along the way 😊.

Now the next time I get ready to move, I’m going to fake my death in a fire and leave everything to my alter ego 🤣🤣🤣. In reality, I plan to have a big estate sale to get rid of a lot of my possessions and find a small quiet place on the beaches of Costa Rica. Just me and my books. And, if I can convince them to join me, my two best childhood friends. However, we have to work around the husband issue 🙄😆.

Sometimes, my brain takes stock of the situation and a massive anxiety attack is a result of that action. But I am going to work on what my awesome therapist suggested and give myself grace through this current transition (hell I’ve only been in the house 3 weeks). I’ll find my footing soon enough.

Note: I will be making changes in the near future (I hope) and would like CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and thoughts on what you like most that may help guide the update. Thank you in advance.

My Books Need to be Freed

How I see my library 😆😆
Photo by Janko Ferlic on Pexels.com

I want to spend a few minutes on Us Against You (Beartown for those who watched it on HBO) because the writing is very different from what I’m used to. I don’t know if the difference could be attributed to the person who translated it, but I suspect that it’s that original author’s voice.

How is it different? The viewpoint of the author is written in a tone that suggests he is an observer of events, almost like a sociologist – observe and report, don’t interact. I am intrigued by his style and look forward to reading more. If you have read this or anything by Fredrik Backman, could you let me know your thoughts?

Now on to the more important point of today’s post – bookshelves! You see I’m in a bit of a quandary trying to figure out how I want my shelves to look, especially because I want to them to have a uniqueness to them. But with around 300 books to put up, there is only so much uniqueness that can be done 🤷🏼‍♀️. Book hoarders unite!

I’m also looking for alternatives to shelves made from processed lumber because the price of lumber has gone way up. I’m considering reclaimed wood or pallet wood, but I’m looking for other options as well. I’ll be scrolling through for ideas Etsy and Pintrest so we’ll see what happens. However, if you have any thoughts, I’m open to suggestions 😁. I’m working with a space of about 8 ft by 11 ft, with the bottom foot or two enclosed by doors possible (I hate putting books on a shelf that is essentially sitting on the ground – pointless if you ask me). I’m also looking to have the shelves backless (ooh sexy) because that’s my preference.

This is a semi urgent matter because I hate listening to my books cry out for freedom on a daily basis 😆😆. And I do miss so them very much (as usual, insert dramatic sigh here 🤪).

So, hit me with your best ideas, drawings or pictures please! And as always, happy reading 😊

Anxiety Attack in Progress

11:00 a.m: I am having a day today and I don’t know why. My anxiety is palpable, and I am struggling to not let it overwhelm me. And it sucks.

I have applied a CBD gummy to the situation, and I am waiting for it to kick in. Soon I will take my insane dog, whose anxiety is feeding mine, for a walk in an effort to change the energy of my mood. I will also try a little horse therapy in an effort to back of the anxiety attack that is knocking on my brain right now.

I have been in my head a lot this morning and it seems to be feeding the little voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough, or smart enough or just enough. Some days I can silence that stupid voice and sometimes it screams so loud that I can’t drown it out. It can paralyze me and make me question everything about myself.

I know that I will shake off soon and I will have to do damage repair from the negative thinking that is trying to crush me right now. And a I will let out the tears that are threatening to fall because sometimes you need a good cry to right the ship.

All of this with no direct cause that I can see for the negativity that chose to spin its web inside my head today.

This is a struggle I face on a regular basis. Many days I win, but somedays it gets the better of me. This is my reality.

So along with taking a walk and horse therapy, I will put on my daily playlist of upbeat music to try to shake this mood and I will say my positive affirmations to combat the destructive little voice.

In the end, I will be ok. That is the cycle of my anxiety.

Later that same day… shortly after writing about my panic attack, I took my dog for her walk, listened to music and waited for the gummy kick in. My self-care also included a “spa day” for my horse and I am feeling more balanced now.

So why did I write through my attack and decide to post it? One reason – to reach out to anyone feeling alone in their struggle, to say “I hear you, I see you and you are not alone”. Reason number two – I wanted to try to give a sense to those who have never had an anxiety (borderline panic) attack of what someone like me maybe going through. A look into the mind of, if you will. I often find it hard to explain how these attacks are different than simple stress that may keep you up at night so I thought if I talked through what was happening while it was happening, it could give you a sense of how debilitating it can be and the steps someone may need to take before it gets better. To try to give a voice to something that is so hard to explain.

Know that my goal is to provide humorous insights through my daily adventures. However, on rare occasions (like today) the humor will be set aside for a greater good of reaching out to those who need it. Please share as you see fit.

Love and hugs,

Life Lesson from Paris Gellar

PARIS: He’s done so much for my people skills. I can cope with the little annoyances now. [to Tanna] For instance, the old Paris would’ve been bothered by your penchant to hover. It would’ve made her wanna ring your neck until your eyeballs popped out.
TANNA: Oh.
PARIS: But now, I accept it because I can’t control everything
Gilmore Girls, The Lorelais’
First Day at Yale
S.4 Ep.2

This last week and a half has (have?) been an exercise in the acceptance of things I can’t control. I have literally been walking around this past week saying things like “I have no refrigerator in the house right now, but I can accept it” or “there isn’t as much storage as my old house, but I can accept it”. The one I’m struggling with is “this shower is much smaller than the beautiful one I designed, but I can…” nope I can’t say it yet because I nicked my leg badly shaving in the new shower, so I’m not ready to accept it yet 😜. That one is going to take some time (insert one of my dramatic sighs here).

However, I have easily accepted the neighborhood I have moved into. I realized the other day that it has been 16 YEARS since I have neighbors so close to me. When I lived in KY, I still lived on two acres and while I could see my neighbors easily, it’s not the same as walking out and having the little girl next door pop over to “play” (what can I say, kids love me 😁)

And today I realized that I’m still adjusting to the change. After 6 years of nary a house in sight of my old property, it’s strange to look out the window and see people walking up and down the street and to see/hear people gathering to talk. I myself have already visited a few times with the folks on the right of me and introduced myself to the gentleman on the left. But I’ve also spent time isolating in my house more than I care to because it’s become a habit after 6 years. I promise, I am working on it. Just the other day I went out to visit a few of my friends that I haven’t seen much lately due to all of the moving craziness that has been going on since January.

I will say that this place a nice reminder of my childhood neighborhood in Colorado and I’m hoping that will help me adjust to this latest life change. I’d also like to say the life changes are over, but full-on menopause is just around the corner and I still have to focus on creating an income stream that pays me to do something I love. That may mean a part-time job in the short term in order to get to my long-term goals. I will keep you in the loop my dear readers

Until Monday, go out and commit a random act of kindness. It’ll do your heart some good!

Note: My appliances showed up on Wednesday of this week and my Dish service was hooked up on Tuesday. Now if I could only get my internet installed, I will have hit the trifecta 😆😆! Wish me luck🤞🍀.

FB Author Fan Groups

Me trying to make a decision on this issue 🤪
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Currently reading: Finished Chain of Iron by Cassandra Clare and about to begin Us Against You by Fredrik Bachman (the source material for Beartown on HBO, FYI).

This book post begins with an apology for missing the last two weeks, even though I had a good reason (walk thru one week, unpacking the next). I have been remiss in this area and I am sorry.

Today I want to talk about FB author fan groups. I follow a Stephen King (SK) fan group that I strongly debate with myself on whether to drop out of it or not and I’ll explain why.

I had started following the group because: A) I’m a huge SK fan; and B) I was hoping it would keep me up to date with news I might not hear about as quickly as fan groups seem to find out. The group requires 10 King related posts before non-King posts are allowed. That was my first issue with them. They deleted one of my posts because it didn’t specifically mention SK’s name in the post (it was post that was SK inspired). The next issue comes in the form of the SAME QUESTIONS being asked over and over again. Now I get that people are trying to get to their ten posts but find something original to ask about (which does happen on occasion). I cannot see one more post about “what do you think is SK’s best book?” or “is (name of SK book here) a good book/should I read (name of SK book here)?” or my truly favorite “I have just got these SK books, which one should I start with?” AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH – is it really so complicated that you need strangers to tell which book to start with? Just pick one and start reading!!!!

I realize that may sound harsh, but I was hoping for more interesting banter than that. When you ask a group any one of those questions, you’re going to get hundreds of different responses and I just don’t see how that helps. If you do, please enlighten me.

The straw that almost broke this camel’s back was the back and forth I had with a group member, that I felt was unnecessary and condescending – which of course I told him. It started with a gentleman’s post asking about a signature on a book he was hoping to purchase. He posted pictures and I commented that it looked different from my signed books but that was just my opinion and if he could find a way to check it out further (i.e. get information on provenance, etc.), he should. I also mentioned if he was comfortable with the situation and wanted to purchase, that was up to him. Other members weighed in and an expert in SK’s handwriting verified it as authentic. Since I was following the post, I was aware of this response. However, another member took it upon himself to post in ever comment that questioned the authenticity “It’s real” and I was spoiling for a fight that day. While I felt that signature looked different, I never said that it was fake. And if the high and mighty poster of “it’s real” had bothered to read the back and forth, he would have seen that I encouraged the OP to do further research. I thought the need to post “it’s real” all over the place (as if people were incapable of following the thread) was condescending bullshit and seriously considered exiting at that point.

I haven’t yet and I’m still on the fence about it, because every once in a while, an interesting post comes along that I enjoy, but I’m not sure if the one-off posts is worth the aggravation.

Let me end by saying that I did follow SK on FB until he left due to some of their policy’s. I also follow Karen White’s author page and find it more enjoyable than the SK fan page.

So, I would like my readers to weigh in: first, should I stay, or should I go; second, do you like fan pages and if so, what do you like about them?

Note: for those new to the page, I devote my Wednesday posts to books, reading etc, because books are a form of therapy for me. Feel free to skip Wednesday posts if it’s not your cup of tea, but please consider coming back Mondays and Fridays for my usual misadventures. 😊

So, This Popped Up in My Facebook Memories Today

Five years ago, I had shared this and tagged my ex-husband in the post. I reposted it with the comment “This didn’t age well 😳😆😆”. Of course, when I viewed it later, the original tag wasn’t a part of the post, so the new comment lacked context. Technology really likes to screw with me.

However, because of this memory, I realized that I’m finally at a place where I can joke about this stuff and not feel any pain about the divorce – what a VICTORIOUS FEELING! It has been a long journey to get to the place where I am very matter of fact about the divorce and his remarriage. Mind you he is (rightfully) the villain in the telling of my story but now I find I take a much more humorous approach when talking to new people – like my neighbors – about it.

And it is such a relief to not feel that sharp pain in the heart. I’ve also stopped blaming myself and I can look back on the whole situation with a much less critical eye on me. I was in a bad place three years ago (due in part to his actions) and the reality is that my ex chose to abandon me for someone else during one of the darkest times in my life. And that’s on him.

I’m in a much better place (as confirmed by my laissez faire attitude when asked about it) and the new house is helping to create new memories that don’t include him.

It’s funny, my friend asked if there was anything good about him since all she has heard about was the bad. And I know there are some good qualities but unfortunately his actions over the past three years have seemed to erase them from my mind. It makes me a little sad to realize that, but only a little.

I will be honest about one thing though. While I may be past the pain, that doesn’t mean that I won’t feel the urge to punch him in the face if I see him again, I’m only human after all 🤪.

So, if you know someone who is struggling right now with something similar, please share this story to show them that there is an end to the pain if you work through it. And if you need help working through it, find a therapist that you like. This is very important – don’t stay with a therapist that doesn’t work for you.

Eventually you will find the humor in it all and when you do, celebrate the freedom that comes from it! 🍾🍾🍾

New Beginnings, Same Weird Luck

Hello my lovelies! I really thought I would be able to move, unpack and stay on top of my blog in a timely manner but I really overestimated my abilities because I hit a huge wall on Friday 😆. Of course, being sick throughout most of the move/unpacking did little to help. But I think I’m finally shaking this sinus infection that seems to have morphed into a cold since I actually slept through the night for the first time in over a week, so YAY ME!

So, let’s talk about the move and subsequent days. I have to say, all went fairly smoothly, only 2 glasses out of a set of 8 broke and my shredder seems to have gone missing (yes I’ve opened almost all of the boxes and I don’t think it was boxed to begin with). Quite frankly, if that’s the worst of it, I’ll consider myself lucky 🍀. I spent most of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday unpacking to make it easier on my sweet girl Reese 🐾 once my parents bought her up on Friday. I will say she’s adjusted well so far but we have to get back into our routines soon.

As for my luck, again not good or bad, but weird. I’ll start with the photos I was taking throughout the unpacking process – well it seems that I either lost or didn’t push the button hard enough on some of the photos because there are a lot less than I took and half of them are blurry 🤦‍♀️. I will still share what I have (some will be retakes because sheesh), but I plead illness with a side of moving exhaustion. Note: I really must be tired, some of the photos were on my phone – send help before I hurt myself 🤣🤣🤣.

Next are the appliances or lack thereof (refrigerator, washer/dryer). As you know so much has gone wrong during this whole process (selling/buying/moving) I was afraid to buy appliances too soon because something was bound to go wrong – like the closing date moving. So I waited to order and the Best Buy employee assisting me said that delivery make take a while until he found out I was in Camden not Myrtle Beach – instead it’s only going to take a week and a half! Not bad all things considered but thank the goddess I kept the extra refrigerator that now sits in my garage allowing me to store food (insert sigh of relief here).

Utility switchover went relatively well except they forgot to list the gas provider so I started to freak out that my hot water would go away if I didn’t switch it over in time 😱. Again, shout out to my amazing realtor Jeanene who once again saved the day and found out who I needed to call, woo hoo.

The only other hiccup with utilities was getting internet service. Let me start by saying I have been working off of two mobile hotspots (total of 30 GB of 4G speed, then dialed down to KB speed – in other words a sucky way to live) since 2019 so I have been dreaming of the day where I don’t have to worry about running out of highspeed data. And I still have to wait at least another 2 WEEKS AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I kid (mostly) but I really hope I can get moved up in the queue. Wish me luck 🤞.

But on the bright side, my house was the last one in my development to get a decent sized tub and since I love a good bath, I’m grateful for that. Also the other hundred acres are under contract so again YAY ME!

Now on to the (dubious) photos I took while unpacking.

The first series has to do with my future eat in kitchen and kitchen area. That had the most boxes probably next to my bedroom and that wasn’t even close.

Next are master closet and bathroom. Please note the before and after window treatment (yes the towel was a necessity for a few days because my future neighbor’s window looked right into my shower).

Then we move into my youngest nephews play area and a quick look at my living room – the easiest room to unpack 😆.

Next to last are set of random shots of the various rooms that still need help, my office, the guest bedroom, the Christmas storage room and dear god the garage 😳 – definitely a work in progress.