Damn You Hallmark Christmas Movies

Let me start by saying this is not another “fell down the hole” with Hallmark Christmas movies. Oh no, this is about the bones I want to pick with these movies.

I am a tried-and-true Christmas freak. I have three Christmas trees (one specifically for my Peanuts ornaments and one for Santas) and a ton of tchotchke’s that adorn my house. Although I’m not as crazy as some of my dear friends (“ahem” Mary) I do it up right for the holidays. And, aside from Peanuts, I’m crazy about Heat Miser/Snow Miser pieces and I have 6 hippos on my tree that sing “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” (for your listening pleasure  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjPm0o04lGE). A lover of Christmas I am.

Every year I foray into Hallmark Movies (I’ve got three different Hallmark channels so it’s kind of hard not to).  I like many of the older ones – Most Wonderful Time of the Year for example – and I’m partial to Danica McKellar, Alicia Witt and Candace Cameron Bure, on occasion. But many of the movies vex me over two simple things: they make snow look enjoyable; and the ones set in small towns are too picture perfect, too friendly (I know suspension of disbelief and all so bear with me).

Let’s talk snow. As a person who grew up mostly in Colorado, went to high school in Pennsylvania and college in New York (Buffalo, no less), snow is not fun or magical, especially lake effect snow. I actually consider snow a swear word when used in my presence. But everyone in those movies makes it appear as if it’s not cold, miserable, and often dirty. No, it actually is white and bright throughout the entire movie and no one ever really looks cold. The way it snows in these movies almost makes me miss that kind of weather. Then I come to my senses, realizing it is the one of the biggest lies Hallmark tells us and that the only time I want to see snow is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then gone on the 26th. Of course, living in the South Carolina the chances are slim to none that’ll happen, but it’s a trade-off I’m not mad about. Zero months of never-ending cold, blowing winds and SNOW! 

Now how about these perfect towns with perfect people that go out of their way to help the stranger in town, or how everyone comes together to make the (insert big event here) happen after some catastrophe. There is the Santa-esque character and the Grinch whose heart melts by the end. And of course, the love story that gets off track due to a misunderstanding of sorts but resolves itself by the end, usually thanks to the ever so helpful towns people (this usually happens around the 1 hour forty-minute mark). 

I would like to know if any of my brilliant readers live in such a town. I love my small city, but if I found this kind of perfection (snow that isn’t cold or flawless people) I might consider relocating to a Hallmark town.

I say most of this with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, because I am a sucker for the cheesy love story. And it’s the holidays. And we sometimes need a little cheese to help us through.

On a serious note: Hallmark’s diversity in race and LBGTQ+ characters, while improving, is still problematic, I hope that they continue to expand their stories for these communities.